One Year Later

We all have events in our lives that shape who we are.  These are usually moments that split seasons of life.  Robert and I often talk about our lives before children versus after children.  I watch my teenagers and remember what life was like before "I had to grow up and get a real job".  I can still feel my dad take my hand when I was ready to walk down the aisle to meet Robert on our wedding day.  I remember with great love and affection the birth of each of my children. 

(Well, MOST of the time it's with great love and affection...)

I think about buying our first home.  Taking a new job.  The last "traditional" Christmas spent with both my grandma and granddaddy along with my extended family.  A lifetime of moments - each changing me little by little into who I am today.  Joy-filled and sorrow-filled.  Sometimes both at the same time.

Graduations.  Marriage.  Children.  Sickness.

Sickness.

Even as I'm typing I can hear the tick-tock of the clock in the dining room marking off the seconds of the night.  Each second jumps to the next.  Steady.  Unstoppable.  We carelessly say to each other, "Time marches on whether we are ready or not."  Yet we don't always grasp the full measure of those words.

A little more than a year ago I was riding on a bus on my way back from a fun field trip.  The sun was bright, the windows were down (which meant my hair was a mess), and I was excited about the end of the school year.  It had been a loonnnng, cold winter and we were all ready for some summer days.  My phone vibrated in my purse and I was tickled at myself for sneaking a peak at the message.  Remember, I was on a bus.  With middle-school kids.  Who had been forbidden to text, tweet, post, take pictures, etc.  A teacher never knows what might end up on The Great Big Internet on her watch.  And - if the kids have no phones - a good teacher also puts hers away - albeit reluctantly.  Very reluctantly.  Ahem.


So, I was a-sneakin'.  Giggling about it, too.


And then.


Out of nowhere...


That teachable moment no one wants.


A flurry of texts.  I'm not feeling well.  At the ER.  Something's not right...  More texts, more calls.  Checking for blood clots.  Checking for a heart attack.  Rapid heart rate.  Dangerously high blood pressure.  Bad test results... A desperate desire of a wife to stop time, jump off the bus, run to the hospital on her own two feet. 

This would mark the beginning of the longest three days of my life.

Even as I write this I'm ashamed.  I know there are so many who have endured much worse.  I know people who are RIGHT THIS MINUTE dealing with much worse.  And yet this is part of my story.  A moment that splits seasons of my life.

The next few days brought many tests for Robert.  CAT scans, MRI's, ultrasounds, cancer tests, blood test after blood test.  There was a big worry of hard-to-detect tumors.  The fear of the unimaginable would not let me go.  The internet became the devil, taunting me with worst-case scenarios and what-ifs.  I questioned what I believed about myself, about life.  The seconds nipped at me, laughing as they sped by.  I couldn't catch them.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to.  And in those very worst of days emerged truth. 

Truth.

Robert and I held on to each other.  We let go of the stuff of life and grabbed hold of real life.  Each other.  Our boys.  Our faith.  We had been so busy living life that we were lost in it.  Because, you know, time marches on...

Those that know us know the rest of the story.  After what seemed like dozens of tests and visits with a specialist, it was concluded that Robert had developed high blood pressure - a special gift from his parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles.  (Grin.)  The bad test results?  A glitch, some kind of chemically-created "perfect storm" in the body which masked what would have otherwise been a quick high blood pressure diagnosis.  A simple solution to such a frightening beginning. 

Looking back on it now, it all seems rather anti-climactic.  A bunch of hullabaloo over blood pressure.  And yet we are unbelievably thankful.  It could so easily have been a different outcome.  It is for so many - and that fact is not lost on me.  Guilt and gratefulness.  Sometimes they hold hands in life, don't they? 

Easter Sunday 2011 marked the beginning of our After.  Our Before was long on stress, over-commitments, quick tempers, extra worry.  And, well, okay, surely it wasn't as bad as I've just made it sound.  We did have lots and lots of laughter and smiles and happiness back there.  A good, blessed life.  But there were also so many times we missed the point of our days.  Life will not stop.  Many times I had good intentions, but little follow-through.  I intended to enjoy my home, but had too many places to be.  I intended to quit griping so much, but why would no one take my advice?!  I intended to spend quality time with the boys, but the house was always a mess.  I intended to show my husband how much he meant to me, if only he would just quit aggravating me so!  I intended...  I intended...  I intended...


I intended.


Those few days in the hospital, just Robert and me, have profoundly impacted my After.  Lest someone gets a false impression, I still have many unfulfilled intentions.  Mucho gripe sessions (just ask my coworkers).  Impatience.  Stress.  Lots of frustration over things so inconsequential in the scheme of life.  Yet it is my most fervant prayer that every day I let go a little more.  Release the stuff of life to grab hold of real life.  Robert and I have developed a saying when we sense that one of us is returning to Before - - We are not going back.

The lessons God taught us in those ticking, timeless seconds are very real even today.  Life is not guaranteed.  Live in today.  Appreciate what we have.  Be content.  Invest in our people, not our stuff.   Live in the fullness of His Joy.  Recognize what is secondary and tend to what is primary.  Laugh more than we cry.  Edify with our words.  Be quick to forgive.  Love.

Because, you know, time marches on.

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesuus.

Phillipians 1:4,6

May it be so, Lord Jesus. 


One year later.

A Best Day

Many days in our lives seem to roll from one to the other.  At least in my life it seems that way.  I have been complaining all week to everyone (anyone?) who will listen about how busy I am.  Every night for the past week we have had at least two things to do besides school.  We haven't been home ALL WEEK until 8:30 or so.  The days seem to sometimes stay on repeat - wake up, rush around, forget things, cry because I don't have it all together, hurry my students through the school day, rush home, shuttle kids, forget things, cry because I don't have it all together, pack lunches, iron clothes, and fall into bed.  Some days we even get dinner.  The next day is more of the same.  Many of my mom friends a few  years ahead of me constantly remind me to savor these days because they'll be gone in a flash.  I try.  Really.  I want that perspective.  But, sadly, I don't always live in the moment.  I rush.  Run.  Push and pull.  I pray for patience but can't seem to find any...

And then -


 A Best Day.  Or a night.  Or even a few hours. 

A moment to savor all that I've been given.  Almost in slow motion, I can look around and see my blessings.  What's important.  Who is important.  Everything seems "right".  Tonight was a Best Day.  And even though I'm finding that I'm not the very-good-blogger I thought I was going to be - I want to record it. 

What did my best day look like? 

It didn't even start until tonight.

When I looked up and saw this.

I love him.  And I'm so thankful to have another chance to enjoy a little boy.

This picture doesn't do all the excitement justice.  But my mind sees exactly how excited Jack was when they announced the "special guest".

Jack went through his list over and over to make sure he didn't forget anything.  Golf clubs, video car racer, basketball shoes... he repeated this over and over in line.  Then his turn came and he got nervous and forgot!

Jack thought he might be "the one" - but where in the world was his sleigh?  Maybe in a field so the reindeer had room to play.  Thank You, Lord, for another year of belief.

Then, off to a ballgame...

 
Great form!  Sadly, he missed the shot.  And they didn't win the game.  But Daniel had a great game with 16 points.

The Oh-So-Handsome Keeper of the Clock - with his sidekick underneath, waiting for half-time so he can shoot some hoops of his own.

The almost-grown son watching his little brother play.  Thank You, Jesus, that they do love each other after all!

There are other things to remember.  A quick run for a peppermint mocha (the only reason I am still up), the comfort of looking around a town square full of people I know and love, the VERY loud singing of a proud group of second graders, family, FREE hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies for the community, the thrill of watching my boys play a sport they enjoy, the beauty of the Christmas tree as the lights were turned on...

A Best Day.

And yet.

My mind is already turning to the late hour, the packing of lunches, chipped fingernail paint, a Christmas list that needs to be checked, a family Christmas tree that needs to be bought and decorated, another late night tomorrow away from home, and on and on.  My life is so far from perfect.  Already I am back to forgetting things (I just remembered I forgot to sign up for my school's Christmas dinner and the deadline to sign up was today) and usually a bout of forgetfulness is followed by a crying spell because I don't have it all together like "Everyone Else".  Good thing for Robert that he is already asleep.

But hopefully.  Prayerfully.  I'll remember.

If I squeeze my eyes shut - and keep them wide open - as I'm running around like a mad woman, I'll see it.  

The next Best Day. 

Does It Make Things Better if I Tell You I Haven't Been Visiting My Treadmill Either?

Well.

I am almost a blogger drop-out.  As my friend on facebook wrote yesterday, "Get to bloggin' girl!"  It has been a few days weeks months since I last posted.  I KNOW!  Where does the time go?  Obviously, it goes way fast.  So much for recording my family memories! :)

Since my last post school has started for all of us.  No more lazy days of summer.  Right now we are in the thick of fall activities.  This is by far our busiest time of year.  Robert and I are back to teaching, Nick is playing golf, Daniel is playing football, and Jack's football season just wrapped up a few weeks ago.  It seems like every night is filled with some kind of sports-related activity!  I like to complain about it A LOT to anybody who will listen, but I'm also learning these times are fleeting and I need to enjoy them.  Nick is a junior this year and it will all be over before I realize it, so I'm trying to just hang on and enjoy the ride.  Besides, on the upside my house doesn't get too messy.  We're not here to mess it up!

Here is a picture of Nick at the district golf tournament last week.  I "borrowed" the picture from the local paper, so I can't get it to size right.  Because I'm technology savvy like that.

He plays in the regional tournament Monday and is very exctied.  The latest weather forecast for Monday does not look much like golfing weather, so I hope he still has a good day!  I'm so proud of him!  And sad at the same time.  He's growing up fast.  Too fast for this mama.

Daniel has been been shoulder-deep in football pads and is loving every minute of it.  Now that he's older, the games have become so much more exciting so I really haven't taken the time to snap many pictures.  Here is one a little girl on fb snapped of him on the sidelines.

I love watching him play football.  And I love to watch him tackle the other players.  Really. Hard.  Isn't that awful?  I know.  But I can't help it - I'm secretly so proud.  I stand up and cheer even.  (This has to have some hidden psychological meaning.)  I forget what positions he's actually playing -   I think tight-end and some kind of linemen and something about right guard sometimes.  All I know is that when he's playing I jump up and down a lot and yell for him to hit somebody...  Anyway, he gets to run the ball some this year so he's lovin' that.


And, sweet Jack.  With his second-grade attitude.  He played on an in-house football league this year and had the best time.  That little golfer of mine declared he LOVED football.  Except for the tackling.  Which makes perfect sense if you think about it.  Mostly now he runs around the house after "the brothers" (as he calls them) trying to be just like them.  I wish they could have adult eyes for a little while to see that.  Here he is right before a game.

And on a side note, it is SNOWING this morning and today is only October 1.  What in the world?  I hope this is not a sign of things to come.  I have been drinking my coffee drink this morning and blogging by the fireplace.  I really should be cleaning - I suppose I'll get to that shortly.  And all the boys need haircuts in the worst way.  And we're almost out of milk.  And I need to go to the Walmart, but it's the first of the month and I don't want to.  But we're down to the last squeeze of toothpaste.  So I have to.  Plus today would be a good day for soup.  And one thing I've learned about teenage boys is that they eat.  A LOT.  I have a hard time keeping up with them.

Edited to add: 
I never did get to that cleaning.  Instead I visited a little with my mom who stopped by to bring me a new Christmas ornament.  But I did take my life in my own hands to go to the Walmart to get toothpaste.  It was wild, too.  The churchpeople, however,  will be so happy come tomorrow morning when we have fresh breath and clean teeth.

And tonight we visited with my wonderful in-laws (I really do love them so much).  My mother-in-law cooked dinner for us.  Chili-beans and mexican corn bread.  It was delicious.  I'm afeared, though,
it was a deadly combination for the males in my house.  Let us pray my hair doesn't fall out before I can air things out tomorrow...